thesis:
No place elates my spirit like the rack-filled space of Forever 21 in downtown Houston.
Body Paragraph:
Two floors. Section upon section: XXI Forever, Heritage 1981, Twelve by Twelve, Love21, Faith21. To a beginner this might be overwhelming, but I know exactly what sections to hit and which to quickly browse through. The screech of steel hangers and the clicking scan of the register welcome me to my second home. I know how to maneuver through the hectic pace in the store which is just as frenzied as the streets of downtown the windows look out onto. Women of all walks of life and range of age with clothes piled high in their hands file towards the dressing room. My hands get full quick, so I become one of these women. The usual trendy girls, with their fedora hats and crop top, work the dressing room and never allow me to bring my seventh item in since the limit is always six. The smell of the freshly manufactured goods dance in my nose when I browse the store. Feet pitter-patter with the sound of cold metal jewelry dangling as it waits to get chosen. There are many eye-catching and attention getting accessories and clothing one after the other, which it’s hard to focus your eyes in a place like Forever 21.
Great demonstration of the place and how people in this place react especially womens. Your thesis could have been better because it wasn't exactly telling the reader what your topics sentence would in each paragraph. However, you body paragraph had such a effective use of diction that I did not get distracted by anything. I've never been in Forever 21 but the way described the place my sisters and mother will definitely go their at least once.
ReplyDeleteYou did a very good job of describing the store. The word choice you used help to give me a good sense of what is was like shopping there. You also made sure you gave details that expressed a few of our five senses. I think your knowledge on this store is what helped you give a very clear explanation of Forever XXI
ReplyDeleteGreat use of details to bring a new light to what some might think is just you average store. With the use of words like "screech" and "Pitter-Patter" you really bring the store to life. I also like how you decribed the jewelry as waitting to get choosen.
ReplyDeleteI've been living in Houston my whole life and I have never been to the Forever 21 located in the Downtown area. Your body paragraph is very well written, your description allows me to visualize your experience and Forever 21. You could have evaluated your thesis better though, but I think it is a great place.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all I love the place you chose to write about. I looove Forever 21. It's a great place to shop at and you always find the prettiest things you can imagine there. Anyways, I like the use of you 5 senses. It really adds to your details and it shows me just how in-tuned you are with this place. I've been there many times and I never pay attention to the noises and people. Overall you made it sound like a great place to shop at.
ReplyDeleteI have been through the experience of shopping at another forever 21 and it is all the same. I like how you used the clicking of the register to appeal to people senses; it pulls people into the experience. I think you did a great job at making the pararaph live.
ReplyDeleteGood picture, and nice way to put the audience in your shoes. I like the way you told a mini story about the 7th item it makes the reader feel a lot more in to the description.Forever 21 is a nice store and in this body paragraph you explained it very well.
ReplyDeleteI love how you explained this place because so much of it is true. I think you really captured the feel of shopping in Forever21. I liked how you described the sounds of the "cold metal jewelry" as people go through picking out which ones they'd like to try on.
ReplyDeleteYou gave a great description of the overall store and the feelings you get as you step through the door. Your desciption of the store comparing to the downtown streets is excellent. I have experinced some of the same emtions you have when shopping at Forever XXI.
ReplyDeleteI loved your title. It caught my attention that Forever 21 is a place that you have to go to when you are at the mall. I like your descriptions of the sounds of the registers and racks. It gives me the image of what is going on and gives me the sense of sound. You give really good details of what Forever 21 has to offer in their store. You gave part of what styles they have in stock. Your essay is great so far!
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